I love when people get pissy at parents for posting baby pictures on Facebook, as if FB has some higher purpose and the only reason we’re not reaching it is because all that damn baby spam is in our feed.

Are they confusing The Facebook with The Economist? Do they hate children? How is “seeing pictures of people’s kids” not the point? 

In my life, Facebook’s primary functions are: to reinforce my own political viewpoints by serving as a virtual echo-chamber; to illuminate my pathetic Google search history through obnoxious clicky ads; and finally (this is *key*) to serve as a repository for the best pictures of me ever taken in the history of my life.

I’m happy when baby pics get thrown into the mix. It reminds me that—even though I am a grownup and have yet to live in an apartment bigger than a basic room at the Hampton Inn—my friends are doing mature things like having cute children. Adulthood is within my grasp!

And thus after reading another anti-baby-pic rant, I was inspired to make a list! As I see it, these are the 13 uses of Facebook in chronological order. 

1. Bully and/or be bullied

2. Gather information about a crush’s whereabouts and tastes (laissez-faire folks may call this “stalking;” the rest of us call this “going after what you want”)

3. Spy on a boyfriend who is not very sharing and not meant to be

4. Create drama in a stagnant, though young, relationship

5. Conduct recon on potential dates (some might call this “stalking”) 

6. Spiff up profile to maybe date people one knows casually but had never looked at that way

7. Share popular articles to show that I’m the kind of person who shares those popular articles

8. Spam the world with updates on my mood and my take on Mondays

9. Post baby pictures

10. Post kindergarten pictures

11. Befriend one’s children, once they turn 11 (or 13?)

12. Spy on one’s children (this is not “stalking;” this is common sense) 

13. Befriend grandchildren