citizen kerry

I’m in Los Angeles for the holidays. It’s where my parents are, and where I grew up. Now that I don’t live in the 310, I can’t believe all the times I did not appreciate this place. I have some words for my old self, and they are… ¡Dios mio dumbass! I’m sure I had a good excuse, like there was a traffic jam at 10:30 pm on the 405 freeway, or it was like, really hard to make plans with people who live in Silverlake, or blahblahblah.

Fortunately, this gives me an opportunity to quote Pretty Woman:

“Big mistake. Big. Huge.”

And hence my pet theory, which is currently in development, as they say:

The secret of life is to behave like a tourist (most of the time).

Or, to steal my friend Aarthi’s spin on this: 

The secret of life is to live like an expat. 

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With apologies to this site, I finished Glenn Beck’s latest book Broke this week. I felt like I was supposed to have a very strong opinion about Glenn Beck, but I’d never really listened to what he had to say. Here is a quick summary: 

1)    Progressives are bad for the country.
2)    The deficit is even worse.
3)    LBJ ruined America.

But beyond that: how can I explain my reaction to this book?

In similie.

Reading Glenn Beck is like being at an office party with your shy colleague who has one martini too many and starts badmouthing the company. He gets some laughs. And so he continues. We’re wasting money on office supplies and toilet paper and security, he insists. You think he might have a point: the company is spending a lot of money. So you keep listening. Plus, it’s intriguing to see someone so not censoring himself. 

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Everyone in Minneapolis tried to lower my expectations (nicely) about Mall of America. It’s just a mall, they insisted. Minnesota Tumblrs pointed out (nicely) that there were lots of other things to do in MPS besides MOA.

And now that I’ve been there, I see their point. Although I’m so glad I went.

See, I’d imagined “the mega-mall” as this bastion of my American stereotypes in action. (Consumerism! Mallwalking! Christians everywhere!)

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So Tumblr was down this week, and, thanks to Karp & Co, I was reminded that I can go a few days without the likes of Anarchy & Scotch or Katie or Ilya. Thankfully I don’t have to.

I’m just back from a great weekend in Minneapolis, where the temperature was three degrees. If you are not familiar with single-digit-weather, let me tell you: compared to that, the rest of the world feels like Miami. If you talk to someone in Minnesota this winter and that person does not whine about the weather for the entire conversation, SALUTE HIM OR HER.  For the record, I am not complaining, because for for my 28-hour visit, the cold was a bonus, like being in a Coen Brothers movie. Kind of quiet and awesome. But I think it would take some getting used to, and an ability to STFU that I may or may not possess. 

Oh yes, there was a blizzard this weekend. At least, by the standards of any other city it was a blizzard. But in Minneapolis people don’t get all fazed by 11 inches of snowfall. At 8:30 am on Sunday, brunch at Hell’s Kitchen was packed. I saw people walking to the Vikings game in hoodies. As in: those sweatshirts I wore for warmth and irony when I lived in Los Angeles, where a cold day is still 55 degrees warmer. Apparently the city towed 1,154 cars for parking violations. (Rules don’t stop for snow!)

It is amazing the human race has survived! I am so glad to live in an era with electricity. And women’s suffrage. And Skyways. I would not have made it, for example, as a Pilgrim. Let alone a Sioux.

Thanks to everyone who saved me from myself, by writing in with comments about what to do in Minneapolis. Not sure what I’d have done in MPS left to my own devices, but doubt it would have included Hell’s Kitchen or 112 Eatery, which were awesome.

Or the discovery of a new favorite artist, Alec Soth, at the Walker, thanks to Aarthi:

Or this, thanks to KellyDeal:

(By the way, this is how the magic in the above photo happens:)

It could not have been more fun! Except maybe if I’d left the Mall of America an hour sooner, and stayed in Minneapolis an extra night.

The more I talk about Minneapolis, the more I hear great things that make me wonder where my brain has been my whole life. Apparently, it’s one of those cities, like Portland and Austin, whose coolness is just a fact. I may be the last American to know this, but I am ready to live it up, Twin Cities-style. Also cool: Fresh.mn, Paying Attention Now, HollyGoNightly, and Stuff About Minneapolis call it home! 

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