citizen kerry

Someday i'm going to understand America. Until then, I have this blog.

223 notes &

why i’m rooting for tits galore on season 3 of girls

Can you can handle one more think piece about Girls? I understand if not! 

I had forgotten how insecure I was in my twenties about being pale, having a bit of a gut, and thin hair, until I saw Wolf of Wall Street a few weeks ago.

There’s a scene in which the leading lady emerges from her bedroom, naked, except for high heels and knee-high socks. We see everything, including her perfect tits and her perfectly trimmed you-know-what.

A few men in the theater whistled.

For a moment, I felt deeply inadequate. What went through my head was: I’ll never look like that. Oh no!

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Filed under lena dunham girls feminism body image

98 notes &

resignation letter of an elf

December 25, 2013

Santa Claus Workshop
1 North Pole Way
North Pole

Dear Mr. Claus:

I am writing to let you know that I am resigning from my position as Elf. Effective immediately, I am terminating my employment with S. Claus Workshop, LLC, after 764 years of service. 

Because my repeated requests for an exit interview were ignored, I wanted to offer some feedback that I was never given the opportunity to share.

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Filed under santa santa claus toys lol elf

120 notes &

every year around this time


… I am destined to remember the young woman I met in the women’s bathroom at MTV, where I worked a million years ago. 

"Are you going to the holiday party?" she asked. 

I was new and didn’t know anything about it. 

"It’s the best night of the year!" she said. "Last year I got SO DRUNK I was CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR of the women’s bathroom." 

I never knew her name, I never knew what department she worked for, but years later, I think of her joy every time someone tells me they’re going to a holiday party. 

May yours be merry and bright. 

153 notes &

15 signs you’ve become an annoying new yorker


1. When visiting Los Angeles, you say “the city” and assume it’s understood you’re referring to the one that’s 3,000 miles away, not the one you’re in. 

2. You believe it’s polite to ask someone how much they pay in rent as long as you preface the question with, “Do you mind if I ask … ?”

3. You forget that all over the world women are having babies under the age of 32.

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Filed under i love new york manhattan los angeles

136 notes &

cronuts + what creative people can learn from them

I don’t want to be the kind of person who has given seven hours of her life to waiting in line for cronuts. (Think of all the volunteer work I could have done for better causes than eating a hybrid croissant-donut!) 

Well, guess what? There are many things about myself that I wish weren’t true, like the fact that I am a chatterbox, I am prone to anxiety when anyone else is driving, and I yell at my computer screen when I get rude emails.

So what if I’ve been sucked in to the latest NYC niche food trend? As a writer, there’s lots to learn. 


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Filed under cronut food donut dominique ansel dominique ansel bakery i love new york new york city writing advice writing

145 notes &

thoughts on booze and sexual assault from a former binge drinker

Recently I was on the subway at night and noticed a young woman in a party dress so short that I could see her thighs. Actually, anyone on the train could see all the way up to her underwear, and she didn’t seem to care. She stood alone in the center of the car, lazily holding onto the pole. 

I often see odd behavior in New York City, and in confined spaces (like subway cars), I’ve trained myself to keep an eye out for the crazy while pretending to ignore it. This is because I’ve been groped by men, hit by teenage girls, and followed late at night by a man in a ski mask.

So I was pretending to ignore this girl but kind of watching as she fumbled through her purse

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Filed under feminism emily yoffe sexual assault rape culture life advice

75 notes &

Obviously, I flew to Missouri over Labor Day weekend to celebrate the Oregon Trail. 

The pioneers began their westward journey in Independence, Missouri, and every year the town holds a festival to honor this fact. However, I think there was some confusion among festival organizers and the PR team, because event planners apparently had no idea it was billed as an Oregon-Trail-thing. I expected to see a few Lewis & Clark reenactors, or at least some women in bonnets. 

But what happened was: I drank lime-flavored Budwesier, ate a fried Twinkie, played skee-ball, rode in a ferris wheel sponsored by Kraft Dinner, and passed many Christians selling corn dogs for their various churches. Oh, and I saw some of my favorite people on the planet: Rich and Kristin.

I loved it all. 

Filed under missouri oregon trail